I want to appreciate my body for what it is and what it can do, not beating myself down because of something that went wrong or something I didn’t accomplish. I want to embrace the ridiculous – like getting caught in downpours, or doing a grueling long run that’s a 28 mile loop and goes over the continental divide twice just because it’s there and it’s pretty (the Pawnee-Buchanan loop for anyone in the Boulder area). I love every day I get to spend living in this amazing place, and I want to enjoy it as much as possible. My approach to running, training, and racing this year is from a place of joy. So how is 2020 different from previous years? We know each other well, and it’s wonderful to have a sounding board for exploring why I do what I do, and why I feel the way I do about things. My husband and I are regularly discussing our emotions, motivations, and the things that trigger various responses in us. Out for a family ski through our neighborhood after a huge snowĪnother thing that has helped immensely is finding a supportive partner who I can talk things out with on a daily basis. Jade in her favorite swimming hole on our daily family hikeįamily hike – about 30 seconds after this we ran into a huge bear! Heart Lake day hike with a muddy and tired RocketĬoming down the west side of Buchanan PassĪnniversary trip to Asheville, NC – getting some time on the ATĪ rainy but beautiful day backpacking in Indian Peaks Wilderness Running an impromptu 15 mile race in Big Bear, CA – making the most of work trips that span a weekend!īeautiful sunset on our daily family hike We hiked that whole thing! It was awesome!įun afternoon summit with good friends and a tired pup. I ran when I felt like running, took a nice family hike every day, and got out for some truly stunning backpacking trips with my husband and our friends. And I didn’t have the mindset or the tools that would help me develop a more positive view of training, racing, and my goals.Īfter several years of failure after failure, I decided to take 2019 off from racing and just enjoy myself. I knew I was approaching things from an unhealthy perspective, but I didn’t yet truly understand my motivations and triggers. program, and this manifested itself in my training, or rather, my lack of training.
As with many graduate students, I found myself struggling with depression and anxiety due to the Ph.D. and navigating the dating world after going through a divorce. I was trying to cram a lot of emotionally exhausting things in all at once, most notably, completing a Ph.D. The journey to get there was just something I had to get through. I saw that finish line as the only thing that mattered. But then I went down the road of FOMO, registering for races as a way to make myself feel better because everyone around me was fitter and better than me, and inevitably DNF or DNSing because I didn’t put my heart into the journey that it takes to go the distance. I started out alright in my first year of ultrarunning – completing a few 50ks and having fun. Since probably 2013 or so (suspicious how that corresponds with moving to the insanely fit and active city of Boulder, CO, isn’t it?), I’ve been using endurance racing as a way to validate myself, and that only got me so far. The past eight years of my life have been quite a roller coaster of growth and transformation, and I finally feel like I’m back in a good mental and emotional place. Here we are again, looking back at another year lived, and making plans and dreaming about the year to come.
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